[Floppy-ears]

Смешной фанфик по Бличу.

Автор – Suugaku.
Текст на английском, потому что сочинен в процессе работы над домашним заданием – в тысячу сто двадцатый раз написать формальное письмо в газету.
Названия нет, но я бы его назвала «Удочерить Нему».

Общественность Сейрейтея встревожена тем, как плохо Маюри-сама обращается со своей дочерью. Возникает идея лишить капитана Куроцучи родительских прав и найти для Нему приемных родителей. Добровольцев что-то не видно, и главнокомандующий Ямамото придумывает некий бонус для их поощрения. Бонус оказывается настолько привлекательным, что теперь уже практически все капитаны так и рвутся удочерить Куроцучи-фукутайчо…

4th bantai building
13.07.07

“Seireitei News”

Dear Editor,
I am writing to tell you some of my thoughts about something that worries me a bit.
First, I think that the captain of the Twelfth bantai Kurotsuchi Mayuri may be a very good scientist and a strong shinigami, I know that he does many important things for Seireitei, but I do not think at all it gives him the right to treat his lieutenant and his daughter Kurotsuchi Nemu like he does now.
When someone tries to stop him he usually answers (if he even answers) that he has created her and because of this he can do whatever he wants with her. If you ask me, I think General Yamamoto should strip Captain Kurotsuchi of his parental rights and give them to someone else, whom we can trust and who understands all the responsibility of a parent.
I look forward to reading more letters on this issue in the newspaper.
Yours faithfully,
Unohana Retsu.

3rd bantai building
13.08.07

“Seireitei News”

Dear Editor,
I am writing to share with you some of my ideas which came to me after reading the letter from Unohana Retsu in the previous issue, where she tells us about her worries concerning Lieutenant Kurotsuchi’s health.
In the end of that letter Captain Unohana writes about giving the parental right to someone who takes parental responsibility more seriously that Captain Kurotsuchi does. I totally agree with her and I think that her advice makes perfect sense.
So let’s look more carefully, what candidates can we find in Seireitei at the moment? I am afraid there is no way General Yamamoto can find enough free time to take care of a daughter. I do not think Captain Sui Fong can be a good mother. I think Captain Hitsugaya is more like her brother than like her parent. I do not think Captain Komamura can become a good father. Unfortunately Captain Tousen’s and Captain Ukitake’s health will not allow them take this responsibility. Captain Aizen’s lieutenant, I guess, is enough for him, we should not give him another daughter. Captain Kyoraku… his influence upon Nemu may be rather bad; I mean, we do not want Lieutenant Kurotsuchi to begin drinking alcohol or something, do we? As for Captain Zaraki, I am afraid his influence may be destructive too, he can make Nemu become too agressive. Anyway, I cannot imagine him as a father.
So… Whom did I forget? Oh, of course, Captain Kuchiki! He is the only one who is left. I guess we have no choice but to give parental rights to him. After all, his family is quite experienced in getting on with new family members.
Yours faithfully,
Ichimaru Gin.

1st bantai building
17.08.07

“Seireitei News”

Dear Editor,
After Captain Unohana’s letter I ordered my lieutenant to ask all the captains in Seireitei what did they think about her advice and if they wanted to take the parental rights.
On one hand, practically all of them agree with Captain Unohana’s words and do not think Captain Kurotsuchi is being a good father for Lieutenant Kurotsuchi at all.
But on the other hand, it turned out that no one of them agrees to take the responsibility for Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, every single one of them begins to point to someone else and advises us to give the parental rights to another person, as Captain Icimaru did in one of the issues of the “Seireitei News”.
I thought about it seriously and at last an idea came about what I should do. I want to tell all the captains of Seireitei that the one who takes the responsibility for Lieutenant Kurotsuchi will be free from writing every-year reports and other paperwork in order to have more spare time for his/her daughter.
I look forward to reading more letters about this issue in your newspaper.
Your faithfully,
Yamamoto Genruusai.

2nd bantai building
24.08.07

“Seireitei News”

Dear Editor,
I am writing this to ask you to give the parental rights over Lieutenant of the Twelfth bantai Kurotsuchi Nemu to me.
In one of the previous issues Captain of the Third bantai said that I could not become a good mother for Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, but I do not think he knows much about this.
If he had been even once at a meeting of the Women’s League, he would understand that he is wrong. I have got a very good relationship with Lieutenant Kurotsuchi and I always said the same things as the captain of the Fourth bantai Unohana said in her letter to the newspaper. I always helped her because I know very well how awful it is when your captain does not care about you at all.
I want to take the responsibility for Kurotsuchi Nemu because I think no one understands her and worries about her future as much as I do.
I hope you agree with my words and you are going to give the parental rights to me.
Yours faithfully,
Sui Fong.

3rd bantai building
24.08.07

“Seireitei News”

Dear Editor,
I am writing to ask you to give the parental rights to me.
I totally agree with Captain Unohana, as I wrote in my previous letter to the newspaper. There is no way Lieutenant Kurotsuchi can stay like this and keep suffering, that is really awful. Just because of this I advised to give the parental rights for Lieutenant Kurotsuchi to Captain Kuchiki.
And that was no “pointing to another”, as General Yamamoto wrote. I am afraid he misunderstood me. I just forgot about myself while I was looking for someone whom we could trust completely, and the first person I remembered was the captain of the Sixth bantai Kuchiki Byakuya, and the only reason I thought about him was my deepest respect for him.
So now I think that there should be some serious reason for Captain Kuchiki not to take the responsibility for Leutenant Kurotsuchi, so because, as I wrote in the previous letter, I see no more candidates, I guess I should take the parental rights myself to protect poor Lieutenant Kurotsuchi.
I look forward to reading more letters about this issue in your newspaper.
Yours faithfully,
Ichimaru Gin.

8th bantai building
24.08.07

“Seireitei News”

Dear Editor,
I am writing to ask you to give the parental rights to me.
First, the captain of the Third bantai wrote about some kind of bad influence I could make upon Nemu-chan. That is not true at all, I am not going to make any bad influence and, of course, I will not teach Nemu-chan drinking alcohol; as she is Captain Kurotsuchi’s daughter, I do not know exactly what effect it might have on her organism, as I know her body is not built of the usual elements.
Also I am thinking about asking Nanao-chan to take parental rights, too, and to become Nemu’s mother, then Nemu will have a whole family, is it not good?
I hope you understand now that no one else can become such a perfect parent for Nemu-chan and there is no doubt now who should become her family.
Yours faithfully,
Kyoraku Shunsui.

10th bantai building
24.08.07

“Seireitei News”

Dear Editor,
I am writing to ask you to give the parental rights to me.
What Captain Ichimaru says is nonsense. If we should call a child someone who is less than eighteen years old, I think even the youngest people in Seireitei are not children, and if I can be a captain I sure can take these parental rights.
If you think that I have got too little experience, my lieutenant, of course, can help me, and you should know from my reports that she always gets on really well with children. Oh, yes, Lieutenant Kurotsuchi is not a child. Anyway, they know each other from the Women’s League and I think Lieutenant Matsumoto can help me, so I am willing to take the responsibility for Lieutenant Kurotsuchi.
I think that these parental rights should be given to me; I have just changed my mind since the lieutenant of the First bantai asked me about this two weeks ago.
Yours faithfully,
Hitsugaya Toushiro.

12th bantai building
31.08.07

“Seireitei News”

Dear Editor,
I am writing to ask General Yamamoto how many copies of Nemu are needed. It is no trouble at all for me to make as many of them as you want, but I have to know exactly the number of the captains who wish to take the parental rights.
First, there were four captains’ letters in the previous issue, all of these captains asking for the parental rights. After that even the captain of the Eleventh bantai Zaraki Kenpachi met me in the street and said that if it would free him from paperwork he, too, agreed to take the parental rights.
He said that he had had lots of experience in looking after a child; after all, his lieutenant is Kusajishi.
He also asked me if it could free him from attending the captains’ meetings and other formal procedures. He says in that case he can take the responsibility for all of the Twelfth bantai.
Since there are so many candidates who want to take the parental rights, does this mean that I have to make some copies of her? And one more question: if I make an extra one for myself, will it free me from that unbearably annoying paperwork as well?
Yours faithfully,
Kurotsuchi Mayuri.